i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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