I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
