Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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