I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
