I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
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