I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
