Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
it's not cheating when I paid for it
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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