In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
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