We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
