I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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