i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
