That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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