I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
