he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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