fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
