I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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