Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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