I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
