He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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