Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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