My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
