Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
