Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
