just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Randomize
