this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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