as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
