So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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