I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
