i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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