You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
