Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Randomize
