my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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