oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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