i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
