Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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