Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.