I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
