The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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