I faked an abortion last night.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
