This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
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Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
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I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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