Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
