i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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