He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
