Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
