Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I am naked and annoyed.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
