Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
