man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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