I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
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