My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
