Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
