I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
