I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
