i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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