I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
