Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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