The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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