apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Randomize
