There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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